My going gray guide for anyone making a decision about if growing out gray hair is for them. I share some of the pitfalls that trip people up when going gray, and give you tips for success by avoiding these 5 going gray don’ts. And don’t forget to check out more of my going gray guides below!
By: Lisa Fennessy
Growing my hair out gray has been one of the scariest and most rewarding experiences of my life. 🏆 But the actual decision process was not something I took lightly. I’m a people pleaser and I didn’t want to do “the wrong thing.” Negative comments I received weighed heavily on me.
Now that I’m on the other side, I can say, listen to YOUR gut (no one else’s gut!). And if your gut isn’t saying anything rn, give it time. You will know when you are ready to go gray. And when you do jump in (or if you’re here because you’re diving in already), you’ll want these tips for what NOT to do when you go gray.
1. Don’t use blue or green shampoo
First of all, you may not even need a toning shampoo at all. The first couple of years I grew out my hair gray, I was convinced my experience transcended purple shampoo.
Then, three years in, my hair started taking on a brassy tinge. I couldn’t tell if my whites were actually white or if they were browns that hadn’t turned white yet. It was all getting a bit muddy and I found myself craving something to add brightness, definition, brilliance and clarity to my grays.
Thankfully, a purple shampoo will help remedy that, which is why it’s so important to a going gray guide.
Purple shampoo is the best toner to use when it comes to gray hair because it neutralizes brassiness caused by heat styling, medications, product buildup, sun, salt, chlorine and environmental pollutants.
Why purple shampoo? It’s basic color theory: Yellow is opposite from purple on the color wheel, indicating these two tones cancel each other out.
RELATED: The best all-natural purple shampoos for gray hair (or silver or white or blonde hair).
For more, check out how purple shampoo works and my top natural purple shampoo picks.
That’s also why blue or green shampoo is NOT the choice for gray hair. When we look that same color wheel, we know that yellow + red make orange and red + blue make purple etc. So when someone with yellow-y gray hair uses a blue shampoo, guess what color you are going to get? That’s right. GREEN! Blue shampoo is not designed to be used on gray hair; its function is to neutralize orange tones in brown hair.
Lastly, purple shampoo will only work for gray hair that is a level 8 or higher (which in this case, means lighter), so if you have darker gray hair or dark hair with just a few grays, purple shampoo may not work for you.
2. Don’t start until you are ready
It seems a bit counterintuitive for me to be encouraging you not to go gray but seriously, don’t start until you are ready. How do you know you are ready? YOU WILL KNOW.
Sometimes this knowing will arrive via a slow build over time or sometimes it strikes via a “straw that breaks the camel’s back” moment. This could be someone glancing at your roots (AGAIN), or an unsupportive hairdresser telling you not to go gray, a boiling frustration with having to schedule a hair appointment every three weeks or even seeing another beautiful woman rockin’ her grays.
When you are ready, your inner voice will sound something like, “That’s it. I’m not going dyeing my hair anymore.” (Or something a little louder with a couple trash-mouth swears thrown in.) And that’s when you will know it’s time.
My inner dialogue convinced me to dye my hair again just ONE MORE TIME (which you can read all about in my Going Gray: Before and After Pictures post).
If your inner dialogue still sounds like, “I want to go gray, but I’m not sure.” Or “I will go gray…just not yet.” Or, “It looks great on you but I could never.” Don’t force it, friend. Give yourself some more time to build the confidence and desire to jump in. Find inspiration in other women, find other women’s going gray stories, read going gray books, search Pinterest or join a going gray group like The Gray Book. This will help you build confidence; I promise.
Then, at some point, something will happen and you will feel your inner voice getting louder and louder. And when it starts screaming words like, SCREW THIS!, that drive, that commitment, those feelings of being fed up will propel your experience forward and give you more strength and more tenacity to ride the ups and downs to come.
For me, it was deciding to go gray and then immediately chickening out. The moment I announced I was going gray, I made a hair appointment to get my hair dyed. I didn’t even last a week—haha! But going to the salon, sitting in that chair, looking at myself going through the motions one last time really gave me the closure I needed to move on. I often equate this last hair appointment with “breakup sex.” I needed that one last rendezvous to be sure—and it ended up being just what I needed to move forward.
RELATED: Need more going gray inspo? Check out our Going Gray Lookbook, with real women’s going gray journeys.
3. Don’t go gray alone
One of the most major keys to my success was having support. My husband was super supportive and he really gave me the guts to start. Then as I starting talking about the process publicly, I started getting words of encouragement from readers and even random people around town and it was just so….helpful.
I wish I could say I had the strength to do this alone but to be honest, there were several times along this journey that I needed to hear: “Your hair looks good.” These words of encouragement and this external affirmation really TRULY helped me continue on.
So, seek out support from friends and family, because it will make such a difference. I also realize that not everyone’s friends and family are supportive so I started a Facebook group for women to convene, exchange stories, support and identify in each other, grow, lead, follow….all of it, in one place, for your going gray guide. You will find support here. Come join us!
4. Don’t limit your options
There’s no one way to go gray! I personally went cold turkey even though I begged my hairdresser every time to give me some highlights or lowlights or a gloss…SOMETHING to take the edge off. She never agreed because my hair is naturally so dark and she said it would just take too much processing to lighten it to where we would want to get it.
She said she did that for a client once and it made the client’s hair so weak that when she put her hair up in a bun at the beach, her bun fell off. And…that’s what convinced me to just wait it out (and to share it in this going gray guide).
But there are so many different things you can do during the grow out like getting highlights, lowlights, ombre blonde or gray, a cute pixie, a shaved head…I’ve seen so many creative approaches. Check out my post with 10 ways to grow out gray, featuring REAL LIFE WOMEN’S before and afters!
I especially love this one woman’s approach: She told me she grew out her grays in her early 40s and then decided to start dyeing it again when she turned 45 and now, a couple of years later, she’s growing it out for a second time.
There are no rules, friends! Have fun with it.
RELATED: Easy braid styles for gray hair.
5. Don’t listen to naysayers
A big part of a going gray “guide” is this: Don’t listen to people who tell you not to do this. It can really change our trajectory when our mom or our dad looks us in the eye and says, “Don’t do this.” Or, “You’re too young to go gray.”
This is a classic example of “result” and “intention” clash. People who say that genuinely MEAN WELL. They truly think they are doing you a favor by “telling you something you don’t know.” They think they are enlightening you, bringing you out of the dark. Sharing knowledge. Helping you.
The reality is, it’s just really hurtful, unsupportive and it makes us feel less-than and alone. That’s not the intent of their words, but it’s the effect. Read more about this + what to say back in our 101 Ways to Respond to Rude Comments About Gray Hair.
I wish every woman could have a picture like this of themselves before starting out…
A gray hair crystal ball if you will. I used to pull and pry at my roots while covering my dyed hair with my hands to see, Am I gray enough? Will it look too mousy? Do I hate it? Do I love it? What will this all look like in the end?!
This 👆 is me a little over three years into my journey. And I would choose this route every time. Again and again and again. And I think other people would be supportive from the beginning as well if they knew this was my outcome.
These types of comments come from fear, inexperience, ignorance and love. Until we have more women walking this earth with their natural grays glowing, we will continue to have our loved ones respond this way. They want the best for us and their idea of “best” is shaped by history and societal norms.
Change starts with you and change starts with me. But first we have to get there so FIND SUPPORT along the way.
More support for going gray
Looking for a go-to going gray guide? For more on going gray, check out:
- Best Makeup Tips for Gray Hair
- Best Eyebrow Makeup for Gray Hair
- Growing Out Gray Hair: 10 Ways to Go Gray
- Going Gray: Why I Stopped Dyeing My Hair
- Going Gray: 3 Months And Counting
- Going Gray: 5 Months and Counting
- Going Gray: (at 40!) 8 Months and Counting
- Going Gray: It’s Been A Year!
- Going Gray: A Transformation both Inside and Out Video
- Going Gray: The Final Cut!
- Going Gray: Real Life Inspiration
- 10 Things that Surprised Me About Going Gray
FAQs for our going gray guide
Neither. You should use purple shampoo on gray hair to combat brassiness. Learn more here.
Don’t start until you’re ready. If you’re having doubts about it, give it some thought, connect with women going through this journey, or join a group like The Gray Book.
Purple shampoo is definitely the best choice because it neutralizes brassiness. Check out how purple shampoo works.
Olivia
June 29, 2021Absolutely beautiful
Lucinda Branch
August 12, 2021Hey! I am 13months in my grey transformation, I always wanted to do it but did not because my husband said I should continue dying it. I decided to do it in July 2020 and I can now say I absolutely love it. My husband past away last year but I know he would have loved it as well. You have given me the courage to cut more of my ends the next time I get a cut. And everything you said about learning who the new you (really the unveil you) is and transforming inside and out certainly resonates with me. I’m 56 years old; I wished I did it much earlier on.
Thank you for your inspiration:)
Lisa Fennessy
August 12, 2021Hi Lucinda, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I’m so glad you are loving your decision and the unveiled you. xo, Lisa
Magnolia Powers
August 13, 2021I’m 40. Ive been “going” grey since I was 17. For a long time I dyed it, when I do I look like I’m 17. I have a huge white streak in the front. But for covid I dont go anywhere and so I thought why cover it? But im going to visit friends and meet a bunch of new friends from online and I ‘m worried what they will think. You are gorgeous and hopefully I will learn to accept it before I go for my visit.
Lisa Fennessy
August 15, 2021Hi Magnolia! I totally understand how you feel. The best thing you can do is just start getting out there. Facing your fears in this sitch is truly medicine for the soul because most times these fears are internal and constructed and not universal truths. It’s like my son who is starting 2nd grade who says to me daily, “I’m scared to go to school.” And I keep telling him, everyday you go, the fear gets a little smaller and before you know it, it will be gone. You’ve got this! xo, Lisa
Madeleine
August 16, 2021I am 58 years old. Diagnosed with cancer April,2021. With the chemo and radiation, didn’t really want to dye my hair. After 4 months of treatments(by the way, I’m in remission), my head is really full of grays. So I thought, I might as as well stay this way. With support of my sisters. I’m not getting any younger.
Lisa Fennessy
August 24, 2021Hi Madeline! I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis but happy to hear you are in remission 🙏🏻 We are here for you and offering all of the support. You’ve got this! xo, Lisa
m
August 21, 2021Hello there, I wanted to thank you for writing this article. There isn’t any help out there for what shampoo and conditioner is recommended when transitioning.
I found your article because I was checking out green shampoo.
I have been using purple shampoo and conditioner for a few weeks now and having read your article I know I have been wasting my money as my hair is mainly darker grey. My hair is a lot like yours was.
Are there any products out there for transitioning or should I just use my usuals until my hair goes light silver grey? I have heard that grey hair needs protection as it more vulnerable.
Thanks, M.
Lisa Fennessy
August 24, 2021Hi M! So glad this was helpful! And YES! I would recommend a heat and UV protectant. This one is my favorite one. I write more about it here! Hope this helps! xo, Lisa
Violet
September 1, 2021Read at the right time. My hair is 75 percent grey. I didn’t have to grow out color but as it gets more grey I get comments that 52 is too young for grey. I know it makes me look older and I was considering lowlights to bring back the clock a little. Thanks for the vote to be who I am.
Lisa Fennessy
September 16, 2021Totally! I love when people say, “you are too young to be gray” ….I’m like, well. My hair is ACTUALLY gray. So…I guess I’m not too young for that to happen…lol. xo, Lisa
Pepper Dansie
September 7, 2021I will be turning 60 in January. I started going gray when I was 16, and was dying on a regular basis by the time I was in my very early 20’s. You talk about in your blog how when you are ready, you will just know. Well I am ready, but my husband of 7 years is not quite so sure. I know from watching my roots grow out that I am probably pretty much all white. I have naturally curly hair, and I just think my 60’s birthday is my day to start. I won’t pretend I am not scared. I have already had the friends say, “Don’t do it, you will look old!” Well I am 60, and I don’t feel old. My skin is still in pretty good shape. Like you, I really don’t wear a whole lot of make-up. Maybe mascara and a little concealer under my eyes and some blush and lip stick. I have not decided if I will do the ombre approach, or just stop dying. With the natural curl it is easy to hide that abrupt grow out because my dye color is dark chocolate brown. I don’t think I have the dedication to wait out the whole grow out, so I thought the ombre was a little more meet it in the middle kinda thing. Thanks for your support. I will be following and posting before during and after pictures.
Lisa Fennessy
September 16, 2021Hi Pepper! Thanks so much for this. It takes us time to warm up to the idea of going gray but we can easily overlook that it takes our loved ones time to warm up to the idea too. Some of us think about this change for months before we even say the words out loud. And then we do and we are sad when we aren’t met with overwhelming support from others. Give it time. He will come around. Your smile is still your smile. Your heart is still your heart. Your hugs are still your hugs—and that’s what people see and feel and how they know you most. You can do this. xo, Lisa
debora
September 13, 2021Hi! My hair is dark brunette. What purple shampoo do you recommend for between 4 and 5 on the brown color scale? It’s a tad yellow now and I need to brighten it up. I had lowlights put in in july, which I loved, but now they’re on the yellow side. Thanks for your help.
Lisa Fennessy
September 16, 2021Hi Debora! Do you have any blonde or gray hair? If your hair is all darker brown (4-5) then I fear a purple shampoo will not be effective. It might be something where you have to go back to the salon to get re-toned potentially…?
Nury Castro
October 21, 2021Hello! I am 39 years old. The last time I dyed my hair was on 12/31/2019. This week I have been thinking about dyeing it again but I am not sure because I will get almost 2 years away from dye it.
Lisa Fennessy
October 21, 2021OOOO! I love this. There are really no rules to going gray. You do you girl! Especially when it comes to your OWN hair. xoxo, Lisa
Kath
October 25, 2021I never realized how pretty the natural colour of my “grey hair” is until I stopped colouring. The contrast of roots to dyed hair looked so terrible, but once all the dye was out I discoverd that my once natural copper coloured hair had become a champayne blonde. And I really like it. Been moving around to different hair stylists for cuts (since my regular quit) and every time I get lots of comments about how nice the colour is. And my hair is so much healthier now. Wished I had not waited so long to stop colouring (I am late 50’s).
Lisa Fennessy
November 5, 2021Hi Kath! RIGHT?!?! I wish everyone got to experience this feeling like “Wow, it really isn’t that bad and in fact, it’s actually GREAT!” lol. xo, Lisa
Desiree
October 30, 2021Hi, I also started greying at about 19 and by the time my 3rd child was born, my hair was salt and peppery. 4 years later my mum passed and my daughter, 7 then was terrified that me greying meant I was gonna die too. So for a few years I religiously dyed my hair. 7 years ago I had a kidney transplant and the meds caused my hair to fall so I tried leaving it to grey again but this time I wasn’t ready. Now at 52, I am done, My hair is cropped all around and very grey while the top is a longish and undying itself as it grows. It’s suits hotflushes as well. Thanks for the solid info.
Lisa Fennessy
November 5, 2021Hi Desiree! So glad you are loving your hair now. It’s something so many of us struggle with for so long. It’s nice to finally be at peace with it, isn’t it??? xo, Lisa
Sue
November 2, 2021Hi there, I am 62 & about 6 mos into my gray hair transition journey. I always knew I would make the transition in my 60’s but one day I got up and said no more dye! My scalp always itched about 12 hours after the salon applied color– no matter what color or pre-treament was used. I am transitioning slowly with the help of my stylist I have highlights and low lights with foils put in to create a blended look. I have solid gray (white) at my temples and around my hairline which I leave as is but I am less than 50% on the rest of my head-this is where the highlights/lowlights are added. The result–I think the lines on my face are softer, not as pronounced with lighter hair and my head doesn’t itch anymore after a salon visit!
Lisa Fennessy
November 5, 2021Hi Sue! I love that you added some highlights and lowlights to blend the grow out. That sounds really beautiful and I’m glad you are having success! xo, Lisa
Gloria Miller
November 11, 2021Hi Lisa, I appreciate your article. I am 73 years of age and still dying my hair (a dark ash brown). My natural color is light brown with
About 25 % silver, and white at the temples. I have been thinking about going natural for the last year or so. Both of my daughters have dark brown hair with silver “highlights” . It makes me feel ridiculous that I have dyed hair. My ash blonde looks a little brassy, but using purple shampoo turns my white to a drab grey. My complexion is cool and light. Any suggestions you have would be welcome. Thanks, Gloria
Lisa Fennessy
November 12, 2021Hi Gloria! What purple shampoo are you using? Sounds like one that is depositing color. Not all purple shampoos will deposit color. If you get the right one, it should work to turn your gray/white hair brilliant, not to turn it a drab gray. Happy to help! xo, Lisa
Gloria Miller
November 12, 2021That sounds wonderful! I searched Amazon this morning, trying to find a blue or purple shampoo that did not deposit pigments, but was unsuccessful. Can you recommend one?
Thanks, Gloria
Sarah
November 14, 2021Hi! I’m considering abandoning my monthly touch ups but am a bit nervous. I’m a natural red head and I’ve been successfully coloring it at home for 12 years+ to match my original red hues. I have peaks of white and lighter red that emerge each month. Any examples of 30-something red heads transitioning? Is there any truth to the rumors that red heads go white rather than grey? Thank you for the great information
Lisa Fennessy
November 21, 2021Hi Sarah! Yes! We have several red heads going gray in The Gray Book on Facebook – come join us there, share your story if you want and ask for help/advise – so many women there who are willing to help and share! xo, Lisa
Faith
November 30, 2021When I remarried at age 44 my husband strongly encouraged me to stop coloring my dark brown curls. I finally did a few years later. Now at age 60, I am about 50/50 silver / dark brown. I am so happy I stopped dying my hair and have only gotten positive comments.
Since then, I’ve had 4 good friends who said they’s never stop coloring their hair all go natural, however, my 87 year old mother still dyes her hair blond regularly. Haha! I’m sure she does not do this thinking she will look younger, but who knows.
Lisa Fennessy
December 13, 2021You started a trend Faith! Love this so much ; ) xo, Lisa
Denise Kaas
December 2, 20212020 was a defining year in my life. It was hard to get hair color as the store I would get the color from was closed and ordering online was fine, however shipping took forever. Anxiety set in how many bottles shoot ran out of this thought it would be here on time. Root spray was my friend. Then I found a silver hair spray.
I decided to let it go. I sprayed in the silver spray to help with with the grow out. Even though I receive negative comments from colleagues or family members I have embraced my greys. I think I shine more now than I did when you could tell I dyed my hair. I wish more women would embrace there true self and not let other people make them feel less because of a hair color or lack there of. Love all my grey people young and old.
Lisa Fennessy
December 13, 2021I wish that too. I think we are getting closer and closer to that everyday! xo, Lisa
Jamielee
December 6, 2021Once hair is MOSTLY white, blue conditioner can give it beautiful vividness. My hair is pure white now and I use violet, blue AND silver conditioners, which one depends on the day and what my hair needs. I still use a toner to keep it REALLY bright white but the further away from toning time it is, the more oomph it requires. No I don’t NEED to tone my virgin white hair, but I prefer to since our water is extremely hard so yellowing and orangey tones appear all on their own. If I want a blinding bright white, then every few weeks I tone. And to each their own. But there is a use for blue conditioner (but not green).
Lisa Fennessy
December 13, 2021Love this! Thanks for adding this Jamielee…glad you found a routine that works for you! xo, Lisa
Kathy
December 13, 2021My natural hair color is a dark ash brown. I was coloring the white/grey roots until recently. I started using a lighter color on my hair so that the light roots wouldn’t be so noticeable. However, now that I’m a light to medium blonde the roots have started to grow in as a darker mousy grey. Now what?
Lisa Fennessy
December 13, 2021Hi Kathy! That’s so interesting, so your hair is growing in a different color now?
Kathy Soltan
December 15, 2021HELLO!
I am 55 and would love to grow out my colour, but i have a reddish tinge throughout my hair as it used to be a beautiful burnished copper as a baby then went darker as i got older. What is the best shampoo in this scenario?
Currently i would say i’m at no. 6…
Thanks!
Kathy
Lisa Fennessy
December 17, 2021Hi Kathy! I know that blue shampoo works to take out brassiness in brown hair…If you have no yellow tones in your gray hair, you could try that. Blue and yellow make green so you would want to avoid a blue shampoo if your grays have any brassiness in them. If they do…you could also try a purple shampoo that has more blue tones than red tones. Or you could even ask your hairdresser to help. They may have a treatment or a wash that could take some of that out. xo, Lisa